Todd Hits the Presses

Yes! Validation! My first ever printed thing in a newspaper came out today, a review of Kung Fu Panda. This summer I'm working two days a week for a newspaper in the south suburbs of Chicago. I do lots of odds and ends including fact checking, copy editing, reporting, and now writing movie reviews. It's pretty sweet. Anyway, here's my review of Kung Fu Panda:

You'll get a kick out of 'Kung Fu Panda'

If you find yourself waiting in line for a sold-out showing of the new Pixar film, Wall-E, check out another family-friendly, computer-generated flick.

"Kung Fu Panda" tells the story of Po (Jack Black), a portly, noodle-serving panda who is accidentally chosen to be "Dragon Warrior," the kung fu guardian of his homeland.

Critics have knocked the film for having a predictable plot, and this is far from the first DreamWorks picture with a zoological rainbow of celebrity-voiced characters. Yet, the time-honored "inadequate hero rises to the challenge through hard work" template is perfectly executed with an inspirational moral attached, and really works as a backdrop for the film's nonstop laughs.

While kids crack-up at Po's Homer Simpson-esque, slapstick suffering, the satire of kung fu films will delight any martial arts buff. Like the "sword of heroes," which is so sharp you can cut yourself just by looking at it, the film's razor wit will put teens and adults in fits.

Black's enthusiasm in conveying Po sounds completely natural for a giddy panda. So do Po's kung fu idols: "The Furious Five," are voiced by Angelina Jolie, David Cross, Seth Rogan, Lucy Liu and Jackie Chan, but the minimal lines and character development given to these stars makes you wish for a three-hour film.

The best thing I can say about "Kung Fu Panda" is that there's never a dull moment. You're either laughing at the gags or gaping at the gorgeous fight scenes -- and frequently both. With kids or with friends, it's hard not to get a kick out of this film.

- Todd ####### (last name withheld for copyright reasons. Just kidding. I just don't like stalkers)

So who's cool now, oh yeah, that's right, it's me. Always.

Slamball

A fantastic combination of football, professional wrestling, and the all-star weekend slam dunk competition, SLAMBALL gives you everything you could possibly want from a sport. And by everything I mean trampoline dunks and the best goaltending money can buy.

This video will show you the ropes. Pay attention to the rules, and remember SLAMS are worth 3 points, everything else is worth 2.



Here's the slamball dunk competition:



More great slamball action:



A video of some kids playing playing slamball with terrible results. This video is definitely a minute too long.



Try this at home.

LARPing

For those of you unfamiliar with this concept, LARPing stands for Live-Action Role Playing, it's where you dress up like Dungeons & Dragons characters and fight with cardboard swords and axes, all the while throwing spells, represented in a number of hilarious ways. I don't quite understand why live-action roleplayers would allow themselves to be filmed, but luckily for us they have.

The following video came to my attention because it is the basis of a Carleton GOP cheer. The way the cheer works is that everyone starts by quietly saying "lightning bolt," and then it gradually builds up to everyone screaming "DEATH! DEATH! DEATH! DEATH!" You'll see why:



And now the same battle scene, except seen through the eyes of a true LARPer:



This next video is just hilarious. Magic Missile is a level-1 D&D spell, or so I hear:



Bald Spot at midnight. Bring fake beards and chainmail.

Avatar and Trash Baby

Ok. Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but I really liked having Adventure Time up there. Ha. Anyways, I want to give a shoutout to Jim K, for being the first person to e-mail me for Air Alert 3, or really anything for that matter. Yeah, don't hesitate to e-mail me if you want Air Alert, or if you have any questions or comments about posts. I'll try to get back to you within 1-2 business days.

Anyways, for those of you that haven't yet seen every episode of Avatar: The Last Airbender, the fuck are you waiting for. Avatar is a cartoon on Nickelodeon that has a ridiculously strong following among college students and adults. The reason for this is pretty clear because the writing is fantastic, it's definitely the funniest politically correct show I've ever seen, possibly the funniest period. The humor is very silly and the characters are really well drawn. The plot centers around a Asian-themed world with four nations based on the four elements: fire, earth, water, and air. The fire nation is trying to take over the world, and the only person who can stop them is the Avatar, who can master all four elements. Sounds kinda stupid. It isn't. It's awesome. Torrent it here.

Also, if Avatar is a little too racy for you, try watching the latest installment of Trash Baby for some good, clean fun.

Adventure Time

I give you Adventure Time, the best thing to come out of Nickelodeon since Avatar. I don't need to tell you why it's funny, but look at the only two items in the Ice King's tower once you get there.



Out. Of. Control.

Doo Dah Doo Doo

First of all, sorry it's taken a while to post. My bad. I've been busy. To show you how sincere I am in my apology, I give you one of my favorite youtube videos. It's from the Tim and Eric show, and it's hilarious. Just remember to think about your dad.




More to come.

Sock Man

This is a story by Gordy, my little brother.

Sock man

Chapter 1 stinky socks:

Once upon a time there was a boy with stinky socks. Somehow he could control to do what ever he what it with the stinky socks like whip people. and make the socks talk.

Under the Table and The Red Menace

So. This is the story of my roommate. When I came back to my room he was already about 3 beers in, which was half way to his 6-drink capacity. He was playing some beirut, taking shots, falling down, and fighting somewhere in the meantime, all of this taking well above his maximum. Then he found the fan.

First he just humped it for a while, then he decided it was a better pillow.

Shortly after that the absolute chaos began, and I escaped as my hapless drunk roommate was wildly flailing to escape a headlock in the hallway. When I returned about an hour later with my other roommate, (i live in a triple), we came across this hilarious image.

What you can't see in this picture are the crumpled up beer cans he's sleeping on and that his hair is dripping wet from all the beer poured on it. Somehow he made it on to his top bunk in the middle of the night, but that's still kind of a mystery.

Also, here's a picture of me that has been dubbed "The Red Menace."

Now there were a couple of circumstances leading to the pigment perfectly captured in this photo:

1. Alcohol

2. Face cream that closes my pores

3. Two long-sleeve button-down shirts being worn at the same time.

4. Crowded room

Anyways, hilarious.

Dave Koz, Best Sax Player Ever, or DOUBLE Best Sax Player Ever

Now as you watch this, it is important to realize one crucial thing, Dave Koz is a huge tool. You can just imagine middle-aged women creaming their jeans to this. That's when it gets really funny.

Here are some things to look for:

- Tiny phallic saxophone
- Unnecessary dancing
- Facial expressions that go along with the music, meant to imply "soul"
- Roundhouse kicks to emphasize certain notes
- The bass player who is stoned out of his gourd
- Dave Koz sneaking up behind the bass player and playing behind his leg
- Dave challenges the bass player to a "battle," but never actually lets him play and instead invades his personal space.
- Obscenely long high note with equally preposterous angle of both back and saxophone


Spread the word, people. Dave Koz 08.

Fat Kid Falls Down

Let me first say that I unconditionally love any and all people of size. Unfortunately there aren't hilarious youtube videos of thin people falling down. Just type "fat kid falls down" into your Youtube search box and laugh for hours. You will find that thin kid falls down, will have much less satisfactory results. Here are some of my favorites:

Fat Kid DDR


Fat Kid Falls for Peer Pressure (literally)


Fat Kid Reaches for Rainbow and Falls Short


Slip N Slide Rejects Fatty


Fat Boy attempts to scare sister, gets owned


Fat Kid incurs nasty fall from van


Fat Swimmer has Diving Mishap


Adorably Chubby Child Falls off Log Thanks to Traitorous Friend


Fat Boy Suffers on Rollercoaster to Delight of Mother


Spread the word.

Eddie Izzard: Offering the Finest in Male Lesbian Transexual Stand-Up

Eddie Izzard loves women so much that he likes dressing up as one. Not gay. Fascinating. I first encountered the work of Eddie Izzard in what I feel was one of the most underappreciated films of the past decade, Mystery Men. Little did I know, the "normal" way he appeared in the movie was actually quite abnormal for him.


This is how he usually chooses to appear for stand-up gigs and the like. Classy. Anyways, the reason Eddie Izzard came up was that I was watching 28 Weeks Later at my friend P's house. The movie was pretty sweet because rage zombies are the best zombies, as seen here, you have to verify your age and shit, but you get to watch free videos. Watch the first one, "Infected Attack," it's ridiculous.

Anyways, we were watching this Deleted Scene on the DVD where the family is in the cafeteria just kind of talking to people and being awkward. Then P showed me this perfectly topical piece of Eddie Izzard stand-up comparing British with American film, making it obvious why the scene was deleted.



Enjoy.

Main Hoon Na: Bollywood at it's Best

This movie has everything. First let me tell you about the genre as listed on imdb, Action/Drama/Romance/Musical/Comedy. So good. So for those of you that don't know much about Bollywood, it's basically a genre of Indian film that is usually a long and complicated love story with tons of arbitrary and hilarious song and dance numbers.

Anyways, Main Hoon Na, is great to start out with because it stars Shah Rukh Khan, the Tom Cruise of India. He's the best romance/action/musical star in the world. I don't want to give too much of the plot away, but basically Shah Rukh Khan is a Major in the Indian Army, and after a terrorist kills his father, he has to go undercover as a college student to protect the general's daughter from the same terrorist as well as find his estranged step-brother and have him help scatter their father's ashes. And then there's all sorts of love stories too! This movie alternates scenes of impossible Matrix-esque action with absurd, over-the-top dance numbers. It's extremely well written and very funny.

Here's a clip from the film. The main character has just saved the life of the most popular kid at school, so now everyone is showing how much they love him.



And here's a compilation of some action clips from the movie, set to "In the End" by Linkin Park. I thought there time in the sun was done, but no, here they are again.



Oh. And Merry Christmas.