Fat Kid Falls Down

Let me first say that I unconditionally love any and all people of size. Unfortunately there aren't hilarious youtube videos of thin people falling down. Just type "fat kid falls down" into your Youtube search box and laugh for hours. You will find that thin kid falls down, will have much less satisfactory results. Here are some of my favorites:

Fat Kid DDR


Fat Kid Falls for Peer Pressure (literally)


Fat Kid Reaches for Rainbow and Falls Short


Slip N Slide Rejects Fatty


Fat Boy attempts to scare sister, gets owned


Fat Kid incurs nasty fall from van


Fat Swimmer has Diving Mishap


Adorably Chubby Child Falls off Log Thanks to Traitorous Friend


Fat Boy Suffers on Rollercoaster to Delight of Mother


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Imagining the Tenth Dimension

I remember watching this video at 4 AM, piss drunk two days before new years. It blew my mind then, it still blows my mind now. Also, if you've read (and hated) the trashy YA novel series A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L'Engle, you'll finally be able to understand tesseract, which is the fucked-up way they teleport by going through the fifth dimension. I used to think it was bullshit (who didn't) but now I kind of get it. I hate Madeline L'engle, but I love this video. I hope we can still be friends after you put your mind back together.

Fun Things to Yell at Hockey Games

I'm just gonna put this out there. Hockey games are boring. Unless you're drunk. First let me tell you how that came to be. So you know the Power Hour right, a shot of beer every minute for an hour, well me and my roommate had this great idea of making a power hour playlist ( you can download a program to do it here) using only shitty 90's music that makes us angry (Nickelback, Sum 41, All American Rejects). The idea was to get drunk and furious before catching a bus to the Carleton men's hockey opener. I'd say it was pretty successful.

Now things got hilarious as soon as we were waiting for the bus. Imagine a writhing mass of 150+ drunk college students each trying as hard as they can to get on to 70-person school bus. It was like a mosh pit with more pain and less music. So after I had headbutted my way to seat in the third row, it was time to be belligerent.

I got to the hockey game and took up my shouting position at the top of the bleachers and the following are things I may or may not have yelled at the top of my lungs (with a little help from a flask of peppermint schnapps):

"Kill the non-believers!"

"Win it for the heathens!"

"Blood for Oil!"

"God hates the other team!"

"Break the bonds of the oppressor!"

"Beat his ass! Beat his ass! Beat his fuckin' ass!"

"Lightning bolt...Lightning bolt...lightning bolt...lightning bolt...death...death...Death DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH!"

It was good times. I don't think I really affected the game any, but the crowd enjoyed me. Carleton wins 4-1. Then I went home, smoked 5 bowls, drank some more, and passed out playing pokemon. Later bitches.

What's Your Passion?

Don't get me started on the stock conversation. Oh wait, do get me started on the stock conversation because that shit needs to change. Ok. So if you don't know the term "stock conversation" I'll give you an example. Take for example, Mike and Steve. Mike and Steve live one floor apart in the same dorm, they have one class together, and they're both members of the college democratic club. They're on good terms, but they aren't really friends. An average conversation between the two, if they say, happened to run into each other on the way to class, would look like this:

M: Hey, how's it going?
S: It's good, it's good. How bout you?
M: Not bad. My legs are really sore from practice yesterday though.
S: Basketball, right?
M: Yeah
S: Yeah, that seems like it would be real tough. Hey, did you do the problem set?
M: About half of it, I faked the rest
S: Oh yeah, me to BLAH BLAH BLAH

Notice how they managed to basically talk about nothing the entire time. Neither of them will come out of that conversation particularly impressed with the other, and they will remain mere acquaintances forever until someone breaks the ice. Welcome to the stock conversation. You have probably at least 25 a day. You don't like them, but they're better than the alternative of just saying nothing. Or is there another option? Is there a way you can actually talk about something for once?

Enter "What's your passion?" It's basically a joke, but not really. It came about when I was trying to think of a way to have an interesting conversation with the custodians that clean my building. I mean, I don't particularly care how there day is going or who they're going to vote for, I want to know if they used to be lumberjacks or dated a bank robber, or can draw extremely convincing sketches of woodland creatures. So the idea came up to just say, "what's your passion?" to them, and see how they respond. You don't have to use those words exactly, but the idea is to make some sort of question or statement that dislodges the avalanche of truth and knowledge that the average person holds back in the stock conversation.

I mean, think about all the best conversations you've ever had. Were they about homework or classes, or were they when your friend told you he likes to make engines out of scrap he finds at the dump, just because he likes the idea of making something from nothing. You never know who's a badass until you ask.

Now if you're like me, you've probably noticed that you've had a lot of your best conversations when you're drunk and high. Why do you think this is? It's cause your goddamn stock conversation inhibitions go out the window and you're not afraid to ask or answer the kind of insightful question that would make you feel awkward when you're sober. Well fuck that. Just ask those kind of questions all the time and have those kind of conversation and discover all those friends you're too much of a pussy to make. Otherwise it's just a waste of time.